Have You Lost That Loving Feeling? Here’s How to Get It Back!

Relationship on the rocks? Feelings just not there anymore?

I suspect that we’ve all been there at least once in our lives where the spark starts dwindling in a relationship where there once was fireworks; like you’re losing the feelings that you once felt for that person.

In a number of relationships in my life, I’ve experienced this first-hand. By “relationship”, this could mean your relationship with anyone you care about – spouse/partner, parents, siblings or friends. My feelings weren’t as strong for that person anymore; we’d lost that alignment or connection that previously felt effortless. It felt like our relationship was dying. I can tell you that some of those relationships died, but others managed to make it through.

Reading Steven Covey’s thoughts on “love” blew my mind in his book “The 7 Habits of Extremely Effective People“! In this book, Steven speaks about love in a way that I had NEVER considered before. His description is simple: If you aren’t “feeling” the same way about the person you care about/are with, then Love them. What? If I don’t feel like I “love” them anymore, then “Love” them? How does that work?!

He views love as an action, a verb, not a feeling or emotion. Here is a blurb from this section of his book:

“But how do you love when you don’t love?”

“My friend, love is a verb. Love — the feeling — is a fruit of love the verb. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her….”

This passage nearly knocked me off my feet. So simple, but so powerful. It made me reconsider everything I had ever believed about love.

Here is what I believe – in North American culture, we have glamorized relationships. We are expecting the movie-quality rush that comes along with falling into love/lust where we are swept off of our feet and unable to think of anything other than that person…and that should last forever, especially since the Movies say that it should.  We expect that we will find a partner and that partner will make us happy.

Most people who have had the pleasure of a relationship will acknowledge that after that amazing first while, things change; they settle down a bit and that rush may disappear.

Here are some truths about healthy, sustainable relationships:

  • The rush of lust will move along eventually, but it doesn’t mean that the relationship is over; it’s simply in the next phase.
  • They take work & commitment
  • They require trust & respect
  • They aren’t always perfect
  • They are worth every ounce of effort put in because relationships are what make life worth living
  • Relationships don’t make us happy; we must find happiness within ourselves and then can share that with others

Relationships don’t always have to be glamorous to be completely ok. Relationships are important. They are what most people desire in our lives and we long for that connection with other humans. If we view relationships as a garden, the more work we put into that garden, the better the garden performs.

Assuming that your relationship is not abusive or unsafe, if you are finding that you simply don’t feel the same way anymore, why not try to love that person as a first step? Love (as a verb) them, accept them, truly listen to them – hear them, support them, help them. Sometimes one person stepping up to the plate and really “being there” for another person can be the difference between a relationship that strengthens over time and a relationship that crumbles.

I’m eternally grateful that Mr. Steven R. Covey shared his wisdom via his books as this chapter has rocked my world and changed my outlook on “love”. I sincerely hope it can do the same for yours. Now get out there and love!

Love, encouragement and hugs,

Sherri-Lyn

Please let me know what you think!

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